It’s not easy, to be…

This isn’t one of my typical letters from the series. It is, quite literally, a musing. One that I’ve been pondering about penning for a while. And then I remembered how well writing works for me as therapy. And suddenly, there was no reason to ponder any more. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard – let your heart wander, just let it flow…Best way to write, I’d say.

So, there’s this boy I like. Yes, as most girls, I have a story that starts like this once in a while. I had a dream one night about telling him how I felt – and this is it, more or less. I have given this story enough of an introduction to let you (those who read this) that this may or may not be something you’d like to read further. Of course, that is a call I shall let you make :)

I don’t know if it’s been obvious to you yet, but I like you. Just like that, I like you – a whole lot! But of course, since you know how bad I am with telling people about my feelings for them, I haven’t been able to tell you. It’s nothing else – it scares me to put myself in that position, to be that vulnerable. I don’t do well with vulnerability, more so than other people. Above all else, it scares me to say anything because I don’t want to lose you as the amazing friend I have in my life. I don’t want you to run; you are too intricate a part of my life to have to give up now. I know I like you, but I wonder if you like me, too? It definitely seems like it, but life has long taught me to never make assumptions.

I have pictured an alternate reality, one where we could go out, on a legitimate date. Talk about things that mattered, things that didn’t; stuff that made us happy, stuff that didn’t. Be more than friends – sneak in a touch here, steal a kiss there. Act on the feelings that seem to exist between us. Simple things, small joys, great happiness. But as I said, that was an alternate reality.

Ever since the day we met, I have connected with you, and vice versa. I have known I liked you for a while now, but the timing never seems right to get out with it. If I made an exception to tell someone I liked them, you would be that exception. But I won’t. Apart from being chicken, it is because I know that we come from two different worlds. Two worlds that run on a sort of parallel, that may probably never intersect. I have things to keep me busy, and my own set of problems to deal with. I also know you have a busy life, and in this time and place, to accommodate me in it as more than “just a friend” may probably be asking for too much? I know I can make you a part of my world, but I fear you may not be sure about giving me too much of a place in yours. Paranoid? Not really. Just being cautious with a heart that’s been broken a couple times too many.

I hope we’re always as close at heart as we are today. I will always be rooting for you in all that you do. Not just because I like you so much, but because I believe in you. I will be sappy and ask for you and your happiness at 11:11. And I will never be more than a heartbeat away from you.

And maybe, someday in the future, if our worlds align, and you have the feelings for me as I know I will for you, we can hope for the magic to happen, where I finally tell you how much I like you, how you make me feel. And then I shall ask you for sure – if you do, too.

<3

Day 8 — Dear person I last kissed

Note: I had originally titled this a lot of different things. And then I realised, there’s so much I’d give away in the title, and I didn’t want to. So I changed it to it’s original title :)

Dear person I last kissed,

I’m going to start this by referring to my note above. That’s kind of how I feel about a kiss. There’s so much it can say, and so much that is left unsaid. All in the single moment (or several) of one kiss.

It was no different in our case either. We had a fiery chemistry growing, that built up to that crescendo of a moment that was a kiss. I felt I would probably melt with the warm glow that rose inside me when you kissed me. I had a knot in my stomach I hadn’t felt in a while, and it was a feeling I had forgotten, actually. A feeling that I loved recalling, to remember how wonderful it made me feel. I literally had no excuse to back away, and I kissed you back, because it felt like the most natural thing to do.

I knew I could have let myself want more in that moment. And who knows what might have been, if I hadn’t broken the magic that I believed surrounded us? But I did. And it wasn’t for anything else, but that the magic could’ve just been a figment of my imagination.

I want you to know, I don’t make it a habit of kissing people, especially people that mean a lot to me. But with you, there was no added drama; it felt right, then. Do I want to see if this goes somewhere? Why not :) Will I ask for it to…no. Because you, amongst other people, know that I have, and always will be, worried to ask :)

So, you kissed me. That hasn’t changed what we are to each other; how much we share; our bond. But you made me reconnect (albeit momentarily) with a world I’d forgotten about, and a small part of me probably resents that. Only because I liked it better when it was a distant memory, than a recent reality :)

Until we make more memories with our strengthening bond,

Much love,

Me

<3