“…words will never hurt me.”…Not really.

“I’m not the only kid
Who grew up this way
Surrounded by people who used to say
That rhyme about sticks and stones
As if broken bones
Hurt more than the names we got called
And we got called them all
So we grew up believing no one
Would ever fall in love with us
That we’d be lonely forever
That we’d never meet someone
To make us feel like the sun
Was something they built for us
In their tool shed
So broken heart strings bled the blues
As we tried to empty ourselves
So we would feel nothing
Don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone”

There were no better words I could start this piece with than these. The magnificent work of Shane Koyczan’s spoken word poem ‘To This Day’ can pierce through the hardest of hearts and leave an everlasting mark on anyone who cares enough to listen.

I have been contemplating writing about bullying for a while now, and I just couldn’t bring myself to. Having gone through a phase of it for the longest time growing up, it brought back quite a few repressed childhood memories every time I decided to sit and write. But I know it’s important, and it has helped shape the woman I have become, for better or for worse. I also know that there could be someone out there who needed words to describe how they felt, and if mine could be the ones that help them, I would feel a sense of fulfilment in doing what I could. I know it could make a difference; I’ve had a fair share of writers do the same for me. Especially after writing my recent post on “What are you afraid of?”, I knew it was time for me to write what this made me feel.

So many parents used to think that bullying builds character. Zack W. Van says “Bullying builds character like nuclear waste creates superheroes. It’s a rare occurrence and often does much more damage than endowment.” I couldn’t have put it better myself. I’d go so far as to say that most of the horror stories we hear of bad people in this world is probably to do with a bad childhood and had some influences of bullying somewhere. This is why when kids come home and say they’re having troubles, they need to be taken seriously. I was too scared to say anything to my family because some of the people that called me names were a part of it, apart from the “friends” I had. I briefly fought back, but realised it turned me into a bit of a bully too, and that I wasn’t proud of. So I broke away from all those toxic people and started rebuilding myself, piece by broken piece. I hit rock bottom before I tried to surface up, though.

These words from Simple Plan’s song ‘Welcome to My Life‘ perfectly summarise how every victim of bullying feels.

When most people meet me today, they see a confident, happy woman. An attractive woman, even, some have told me. A woman full of life, laughter and hope. Hope. That’s what they get from me too, to hope for the better things; to hope for change. This confidence, this yearning for hope, this faith in things getting better – it’s a by-product of years of being made to feel the opposite. I was the one that hid in the shadows; that wasn’t “enough”. I could never amount to much, because I didn’t have what it took. Things couldn’t change, because let’s face it, have I observed myself closely? No one could really love me, because there are way more prettier women around, clearly. No one ever said things to me directly, but enough and more of this was subtly tossed my way. So subtly in fact, that I did not see it creep slowly into my soul, poisoning it to believe I wasn’t worth the time of the day to anyone. Shane K says this really well in the rest of the poem, and that is why it strikes such a chord with me. It can break people, particularly kids, really easily. And sometimes you aren’t fortunate enough to ever recover, and you’re scarred for life. Or worse, even.

Sometimes, you’re lucky. You have people to stand up for you. Who love you not in spite of what the world says your shortcomings are, but because of them. And they do all they can to make sure you rise above the situation, and become the best version of you that you can be. If you can’t be perfect, that’s okay. They will still love you. I wish more people did that. If there were more people to stand up, there wouldn’t be any more bullies. As they say though, “Life is a fight, but not everyone’s a fighter. Otherwise, bullies would be an endangered species.”

But that may never be enough when you are left with a damaged soul. You’re too scared to let anyone in, because what if they pull you down from all the progress you’ve made? What if they tear down the person you’ve managed to heal yourself and turn into? Of course, at this point, you will only know by taking that risk and letting them in. Or you used the scars you have had to deal with and turn it into something positive. Become a force so strong, that everyone knows you’re one to be reckoned with. Help heal all those broken souls you can find and set them on their way to greatness. Help them discover the beauty that is them, inside and outside. And then, you will free yourself from the shackles that held you back, all that didn’t let you soar to the heights you were meant to reach.

I end this on this note; food for thought, if you will –
What if the one you bullied ends up being the only one who can possibly save your life?

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Amazing is what you deserve!

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Andy Grammer, you’ve got it right :) One day, I hope, someone will bring this same happiness into my life. Telling me that ‘we could be amazing’, because amazing is what I deserve!
Believing that there can be someone to give me that hope, that faith…that I can be loved, as and when I’m ready for it…that is, I believe, the best hope to keep me (and anyone, for that matter) going!

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2012, it’s been a pleasure (somewhat)!

I’ve always read things like this. And never realised how much you can learn when you put your thoughts to paper (or in this case, a virtual note). Until 2012. This past year, I got back to writing, with a renewed passion. It’s not like I had stopped before, I just wasn’t motivated enough to write as much. But I did, and I’m glad about that.
Have you wondered what it would be like, to have a whole year be something you never, ever expected it to be? I always did, until 2012 came along. Boy, what a year it has been!

It’s been a year of many firsts.
I left home for the first time. And that wasn’t easy, especially coming from a background that prefers to keep “their own” a little too close. But my parents knew it was important to me, to break away, and they let me go and find my way.
I lived by myself for the first time. Being a twenty-something, I’ve wanted to experience a home of my own – away from family. I wanted to be able to discover myself. And moving to a place where I knew no one helped me do that.
I made friends with people from at least 10 different countries, for the first time. And some wonderful ones, at that. Learning about different cultures, and different ways of life, has been a divine experience. It made me realise that my hope…no, my dream, is to travel. Not just around the world. But, through stories. Through cultures. Through experiences. Through life.
I created, and stuck to creating, a blog – for the first time. It’s what made me realise how much I’d been missing writing. And how much I wanted to keep writing. It was like reconnecting with a part of my soul I didn’t know I had lost touch with. It also made me realise, I had an outlet of sorts. To hopefully never, ever lose that part of my soul again.

It’s also been a year of many life lessons…
I learnt that no matter what, there are some people I can’t win over. And that’s okay. What matters is that I tried. Friends, acquaintances or family, no one should point a finger at you and say that you never made an effort to make good with them.
I learnt what dating could feel like, outside my comfort zone. I went on dates with people who I wasn’t in a relationship with, and it was refreshing. It also becomes a part of your soul-searching, because you understand how you feel about relationships in general.
I learnt that it was okay to let people in, especially those who make an effort to come in. It allows you to let some amazing souls in your life. You make an effort to make sure the walls stay up, but these people will break them down, because they care enough to.
I learnt that people who were close to me can, and possibly will, leave. And I can’t change that, no matter how much I try. It’s a way of life. People come, people go. The ones that really care, will do whatever it takes to stay. And the ones that leave, probably have no reason to stay anymore.

And the most important thing 2012 has taught me is:
I learnt that if I didn’t believe myself that I was amazing, no one else really had a reason to believe it either. Why would they? You need to believe you are a gift in everyone’s lives, and they’re lucky to have/know you. Because you don’t need yourself to bring you down, there will be people to try that anyway. It’s the way of the universe.

It’s what life is about – firsts, experiences, milestones and memories. So here’s to life. And here’s to letting 2013 try to top 2012! Bring it on!

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It’s all about the perfect balance. Or is it?

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It's all about the perfect balance. Or is it?

Someday, I will find the yang to my yin. It will take time and patience. It will need inner peace. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be easy. But, when I do, it may just complete. What I don’t know, but it may just.

This doesn’t necessarily mean I’m looking for that perfect relationship. Far from it (more on this another time). But I do believe there is someone out there, probably amongst the very angels I call my friends, who will understand all the things that make me, and all the things that don’t :)

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