Ever so often, when they looked at me, spoke about me, or to me, they likened me to a masterpiece; my beautiful soul and the person I was, “an absolute work of art,” they said. It was on one of my darker days that I mistakenly reflected on what this could imply, and I came to a crushing realisation. They were comparing me to expensive art. Art to be admired, revered and adored. But never to be acquired. The ones that would choose to take possession of this kind of wondrous creation would know exactly what it was worth, but would keep this knowledge and the creation itself hidden – so it could never be damaged, or coveted.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece. I wanted to be someone’s intricate jigsaw, to be finished piece by painstaking piece. When the picture would be completed, there would be a sense of pride towards me. I would be proudly displayed, for their entire world to see, rather than framed away under lock and key.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece. I wanted to be a lovingly knit jumper; the result of someone’s focused labour. The very fibre of my soul would weave seamlessly with theirs, blending moments and memories to wrap us in the warmth of the lives we shared.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece. I wanted to be someone’s meticulous needlepoint. As much as they’d have to strain to get things just right, and as much as they could get pricked on occasion, they would persevere because they knew the end result was worth it. I wanted to be worth that effort.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece. Unless it was to that soul that believed my perceived outward beauty was only enhanced by the love that overflowed from my soul to flood the lives of those around me.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece. Unless it was to the artist that understood why I existed, and loved me for it.
I didn’t want to be a masterpiece.
Note: I’m writing this to my 40 year old self, presuming that it’s a good time in the future to write to.
Dear future me,
I did mention you in my previous letter. But I shall, once again reiterate what I have to say. Just so we’re clear, you know?
I hope that as you read this, you have finished your ’30 before 30′ list, and have moved on to your ‘Things to do before I’m 40’ list. I hope that you have everything your heart has hoped for, because with every little hurdle you face along the way, you realise that you deserve it all. Because you have damn well earned it.
Let’s hope that all the things you believed in when you were young were worth believing in when you read this. That true friends will stick by you through it all. That love is hard, but it’s worth it. That family is important, but they don’t always know what’s good for you. That you are your own person, in charge of your own happiness, and that no one can take that from you.
I hope you have reached that point in life where you are happy with the person you are, inside and out. Where you are finally the best version of you that you believe you can possibly be. You have a beautiful soul (something too many people have already told you), and you should have let that beauty shine upon the world. They deserve it.
Lastly, I don’t know what direction your life has taken you professionally. But all I hope is that you still write. Either as a hobby or as part of your career, I hope you put your soul to paper as often as you can. Because I know this now, I knew it a while ago, and you will know it too – nothing helps you grow and soar to heights unknown with the joy that writing gives you.
I look forward to YOU.
P.S. Never forget, nothing beats a good hug, or a bowl of ice cream with good music and a book =)
Dear Ideal Me,
You are, in all manners, me! You have the same big brown eyes, the dark flowing hair, the mischievous smile – all of it. You love to read, have a wide taste in music, and love the little things. You think hugs are the best therapy (barring ice cream, of course! Because let’s face it, nothing can beat the warm glow you feel with that cold spoon of deliciousness). You are a sappy romantic who tries to hide it and fails miserably :P
Basically, you are me – just a slightly different, and better (possibly?), version of me! Who I may, or may not become someday.
I have stuff that holds me back. That stops me from doing some things because I over-evaluate them. Not that I am always conscientious and ponder consequences before actions, but yes, I do.
You on the other hand, are possibly yolo (ugh, how I hate using that word!) personified. Of the school of thought that you have only one life, you do whatever it is that you want to do and deal with the consequences in time. If you do get into trouble, at least you had fun getting there right? One day, I shall get there. I may never say yolo, but I’ll try to live life that way.
I have always had body image and self-confidence issues. I’ve preferred being in the background, with friends and other people who (I believed) looked better than I did. Not realising it was the way they carried themselves that made the difference, till recently.
You, on the other hand, are self-confident. You are sexy. You are beautiful. You know you have your flaws, but you work with them – not against them. You accept yourself, and change what you can. But you are always the best version of YOU. I will definitely be you, someday!
You are living the life you wanted. On your terms, with no asterisk about conditions applying. You have the swagger to bring entire masses to their knees, and to look gorgeous doing it. You will get to your dreams, because when you know what you want – you will damn well get it.
Here’s to the person I hope to be. Here’s to the person I will be.
Note: I had originally titled this a lot of different things. And then I realised, there’s so much I’d give away in the title, and I didn’t want to. So I changed it to it’s original title :)
Dear person I last kissed,
I’m going to start this by referring to my note above. That’s kind of how I feel about a kiss. There’s so much it can say, and so much that is left unsaid. All in the single moment (or several) of one kiss.
It was no different in our case either. We had a fiery chemistry growing, that built up to that crescendo of a moment that was a kiss. I felt I would probably melt with the warm glow that rose inside me when you kissed me. I had a knot in my stomach I hadn’t felt in a while, and it was a feeling I had forgotten, actually. A feeling that I loved recalling, to remember how wonderful it made me feel. I literally had no excuse to back away, and I kissed you back, because it felt like the most natural thing to do.
I knew I could have let myself want more in that moment. And who knows what might have been, if I hadn’t broken the magic that I believed surrounded us? But I did. And it wasn’t for anything else, but that the magic could’ve just been a figment of my imagination.
I want you to know, I don’t make it a habit of kissing people, especially people that mean a lot to me. But with you, there was no added drama; it felt right, then. Do I want to see if this goes somewhere? Why not :) Will I ask for it to…no. Because you, amongst other people, know that I have, and always will be, worried to ask :)
So, you kissed me. That hasn’t changed what we are to each other; how much we share; our bond. But you made me reconnect (albeit momentarily) with a world I’d forgotten about, and a small part of me probably resents that. Only because I liked it better when it was a distant memory, than a recent reality :)
Until we make more memories with our strengthening bond,
Note: I have a few friends that are incredibly close to my heart. With a couple of of them, we may not call each other best friends, but that’s what we are. And with a few others, we are just kindred spirits that found each other. And presumably, hopefully, will never let each other go. I cannot imagine what it’d be like, without them. These are people who, if and when they read this, will know who they are!
P.S. Sorry for the length, this was a lengthy one to write :P
Dear closest friends,
You lot are a wonderful lot. After all my years of putting up walls, I’ve realised you all are the ones that will constantly break through them. And even on days I’m not feeling up to letting you in, I know you will be waiting patiently on the other side. Just because you care.
Firstly, ladies. When I sat to write this, I realised that there were only three women that I could consider as my closest after A. And I am okay with that. I’d go to the moon and back if I could just have you in my life! Each of you has been a part of different parts of my life, and continue to be in it. And make it a happier place.
To start with, the lovely R. You’ve been there through my growing years in high school. You taught me about many things – life, relationships and friendships too. If it wasn’t for you, break would have been rather lame in school :) The fact that we can have grown up conversations today is testament to our friendship!
Next, my PYT – yep, my very own Pretty Young Thing. You, my little ball of energy, have been showering my life with all things happy, ever since undergrad. Or, even more so, since we met the ‘Cold Man’ :) You’ve taught me what it meant to laugh through my tears. To live life my own way. To say whatever is on my mind, and maybe in my heart. And to forgive or forget, whichever comes first. For everything, I thank you. Know I will always be there for you, no matter where I am in this world. You are an inseparable part of my soul. And I hope you know the important place you hold in my life. Always and Forever.
Coming about to my gorgeous S. Oh, you have no idea what it means to me to have a strong friendship going between us. Who knew, we’d come this far, after growing up together in diapers? It’s not something either of us had foreseen, but our time together in Australia has made me realise that if there was a friendship I would regret not holding on to, or working on, it would have been this one. I’m so glad we didn’t let each other go. You have helped me grow into the person I am today, and you’ve seen me change through the past year. You’ve told me how proud you are of the woman I have become, and that is a symbol of why I cherish you so much. You voice your opinions, and you’ve stood up to be true to yourself. I truly admire you, and I’m going to hope against all hopes to keep you close (geographically and otherwise).
Secondly, the men. Oh, I am blessed to know some wonderful, delightful men in my life. But there are some who hold a preciously close place to my heart. This is for you.
To kick things off, R and S. From the times we started hanging out midway through undergrad, until now. You boys – or rather, men – have only brought a whole bunch of smiles into my life. R, your jokes have always taken the cake for me! And S, gossiping with you is so much more fun than with anyone else! And today, when I talk to you both about our futures, our dreams and our ambitions, I realise how we’ve grown through time. And how, no matter what, we will find a way to laugh at situations. Because, if you can’t laugh in life, is it really worth the trouble? :)
To R (the other one) and L, the two wonderful men I’ve come across in my short time in Australia. I cannot stress how thankful I am for having you all in my life. R, you have completely turned around the way I think. And in the best way possible. You’ve taught me to think different, and challenged me to push myself further. I’ve been striving for more, because I believe I can. That belief has been born because of our endless conversations. And the fact that we can still have those conversations, whenever we each have the time, is a huge thing I’m grateful for every day. Thank you for being you, and for being in my life! Turning to you, L, I simply CANNOT get over the fact that I’ve known you for just 5 months (as of yesterday), and it feels like I’ve known you all my life. I can talk about anything under the sun with you, from the real, hard to get through stuff of life, to the silly things (that possibly make you question your conversations with me sometimes, hey!). I can be a total child with you, and I know you won’t judge me. Because as you say, we are both awesome, and we are both weird. So, we shall be awesomely weird in life together! Thank you for accepting me through my strangest moods and ramblings. I cannot imagine what it’d have been like, not having you in my life :)
I’d generally have stopped there, but there are some men who I could not afford to lose, and hence deserve a special mention. We may not talk often, or about too much, but when we do, it brings a happiness into my life that I cannot ignore.
To my Squishy ^_^ Our Skype, text/Whatsapp, phone and Facebook conversations have been some of the best things about some of my days in Brissy :) The randomness, the irrelevant arguments, and how we are married on Facebook are all a source of such delight for me! Thank you ‘hubby’, for being so amazing :) No matter what, you will always be my Squishy!!!
To Monsieur SF. I almost called you what I always do, but realised it’d be a no-brainer for people to figure out who you are :) Thank you for delighting me with some intriguing conversations. Thank you for being some of the best company I’ve had, for roaming through the streets or sitting on a bench, eating sushi and talking coffee ;) And your knowledge about my country is an absolute joy! Always be in my life, okay? And also, always give awesome hugs!
To B. You have made me learn to love myself a little more You have opened my mind (and my heart, a bit too) about the possibilities of life and all it has to offer. You have helped me be more appreciative, and for this, I will forever be thankful. Thank you for being such an amazing friend, and someone I can talk to about random things :)
Lastly, to the man who calls me his muse. F, it has been you who has made me smile – nay, blush – often times, with your random text messages, scribbles and the way you look at me. I adore you, and you cannot believe it I’m sure, but you’re are one of the most amazing people I know. And with the wonderful words you always have for me, I worry at times I may disappoint you. You have me on a pedestal; but if I fall, I’m pretty sure you’ll catch me. I absolutely cherish you mister!
Well folks who read to the end, thank you for your patience. And you people I mentioned, know you are the best people in the world. And know that you are, and always will be, cherished parts of someone’s life – mine.