“But I wish I could’ve been a forever. I was stuck behind line of men that had fallen in love with me and still frightened because of the one that didn’t. ”
So much resonance. Forever, just another time.
Spring was almost here, the last grip of winter slowing her release. We met, coincidently, on a cold and rainy night. The rain came down again, but it felt like ice on our face as our cheeks were still red from the walk. We took off our scarves and I warmed my feet on your legs. You never told me if it bothered you, but it became a habit. The habit of someone else thawing my cold.
The weather slowly warmed and the days became wonderfully long. We got into our beds later and later, less touching needed as the world went on. The sisters, spring and summer, were never meant for heavy conversation. They only offered us the playful, the lack of stress when world holds us to the beginning. Our breaths became deep and steady while we took up more of our beds. The early spring unison became…
My brain tells me I wouldn’t want to buy more clothes if I were thin. That I’d suddenly open my closet and love every piece hanging there, many of which aren’t even two years old, but that I constantly fling to the floor in frustration when I can’t camouflage the extra weight I carry in my tummy and hips. My brain tells me I’d grow out of my need to wear mostly black.
“You would dance if you were thin,” my brain tells me. My hips would move in the subtle, joyful, graceful way of girls with actual rhythm. That I’d jump up and down and whirl round and round with my arms in the air without worrying that my shirt would ride up and someone might catch an offending glance of the less than perfect me that I’ve worked so hard to hide.
“Why am I still single?”, a question that is asked one too many times in my friend group. There’s a good lot of us that have been single for quite a while now, and almost every day we are triggered back into this spiral staircase of loaded questions and empty answers. I had never really thought about it- I mean really thought about it- until I was sitting at home the other day and an old flame from middle school messaged me on Facebook. I then launched into a cycle of imagining being with him, holding hands, going back and seeing his family, and finally being able to be married. But I thought about the fact that I don’t really know him, and that his family kinda freaks me out, and that I don’t know if I’d want to marry him…and then I stopped myself. What was I thinking? I…
A few of you who don’t know me have been messaging the page and asking me lately to talk about the person behind the words…I’ve also made a couple of new friends who seemed to be really keen to know some more about me. That got me thinking…This month, I turn 24, on the 24th =) And that gave me the idea to do this post, of 24 random things about the person behind the blog – lil ol’ me =) So, here goes:
24 Things That Make Me, Me
I am left-handed, and strongly so. I find it really hard to do things with my right hand, though I am consciously trying to be nicer and give it a little more attention. I am also tired of having to adjust to a righty world, but you have to do what you have to do, hey?
I have weird toes that point in the wrong direction. Literally, they go against the curves and norms of normal shoes. So wearing tight or closed footwear can be a real pain, more often than not. In saying that, I am a trooper and will only complain after I come back home about all the walking I did =P
I absolutely love to dance. I have learnt a whole bunch of dances, from the traditional to the not very so. But it takes a lot of coaxing to get me to perform in public. Clubs and stuff are fine, nothing outside that, which would involve people looking at me.
I don’t like nuts in my ice cream and chocolate, but I love to eat the regular kind fresh. I’m always nibbling on almonds or cashews, or mixed nuts. But I refuse to have them as part of my sweet afflictions.
Speaking of which, I love ice cream. I firmly believe that ice cream will help with the healing of anything – heartbreak, illness, PMS symptoms, you name it. Of course, since diets cannot be considered healthy with too much of it, unhappiness must be dealt with in other ways.
While on the subject of food, I don’t like whole tomatoes in my food. I can cook with them, I can have anything that uses them as a paste, puree or even whole cooked…But I cannot eat them fresh. So my Subway salads and subs always have tomatoes conspicuously missing.
Other ways to deal with unhappiness include – a good book, good music, good company, great hugs or good movies. Nothing makes me happier than animated movies! And they are all I need to feel happy and hopeful again.
I love to physically write, and I have many books, diaries and journals to prove it. I keep talking about writing as therapy, and I really believe it is for me. There is no better feeling than actually sitting with a book and a pen and pouring out my soul onto paper.
I wrote A LOT growing up. In fact, at one point I wrote so much, that I actually had a mini book in the making, with 10 chapters in it.
Cooking and baking are my other forms of therapy, when I’m not having ice cream or writing. I cook to clear my head so I can think properly, and de-stress. And I bake to unwind, and sometimes as a means of procrastination =P
My musical taste is spectacularly broad, but my favourite songs have lyrics that are deep and mean something to me, rather than just ones that sound good.
I have learnt the basic alphabet in British sign language, but I’m trying to learn more. Including words, and how to talk sentences, the whole shebang.
Speaking of languages, I know 6 languages so far. 4 are Indian languages, but still. They are – in order of proficiency – English (of course), Hindi, Malayalam, Marathi, Tamil and Arabic. I am in the process of learning my 7th – Spanish.
I cannot deal with compliments too well. I used to be so bad that I’d just mumble a thank you and disappear away, avoiding conversations that extended the topic. I never thought I was actually good at much, so I wasn’t sure anything anyone said was genuine. I’m getting much better with time, and have learnt to appreciate good things said to me =)
I believe in certain superstitions. I am a firm believer in making a wish from your heart at 11:11, and making a wish upon the first star I see at night. It gives me hope that what my heart desires may someday come true, until what/whom I wish for is no longer available.
If you haven’t figured it out by my birthdate that I mentioned earlier, I am a Scorpio, by zodiac signs. I don’t particularly believe in sign compatibility, but I think there’s a bit you can learn by your zodiac. That’s why my second tattoo was designed the way it was; it has influences of the Scorpio in it.
I work best under pressure. I could have all the time in the world to do something, but some of my best work comes just hours before the deadline. This is both a boon and a bane…I’ll stew over something for the longest time, but only wrap it up when I know I’m pretty much out of time.
I do not own, nor do I wish to own, anything that is pink. I really do not like pink, as a colour for me. I don’t mind it on anyone else and their belongings, but it upsets me to have anything to do with the colour.
Speaking of things that upset me, I really don’t like thunderstorms. You will find me with headphones in my room with the blinds/curtains drawn when there is one, more often than not with my teddy(s). If I don’t have access to any of these things, whoever is with me will have to deal with giving me hugs and calming conversations.
I love football (or soccer, as some people like to call it), video games, comic book characters, superhero movies, conversations about cars and bikes, sports, pokemon (OMG POKEMON!)…basically things that are dominantly considered ‘guy territory’. A lot of people are surprised by this. But I think it had a lot to do with hanging out with my brother, his friends, and just way too many guy friends in general. And it always makes for VERY interesting conversations =)
All my immediate family members (my mum, my dad, and my brother) have been in pretty major road accidents. Which made it really difficult for me to get behind the wheel, and petrified of roads in general.
Speaking of roads and driving, I would rather park a car, than drive. I love the feeling of being able to drive, but given a choice, I’d rather call shotgun when someone else is driving, and park for them (parallel or otherwise) if they need me to.
I am a strong believer in karma. You put good vibes out into the world, at some point, they will be returned. You put bad vibes out, no matter how good your life is, you will be pushed to the ground sooner or later.
I believe I have the ultimate tough person act going on, and I’m very careful about showing my true sentiments. I have a massive wall I keep building, and it takes a lot to bring it down. And even then, unless you’re extremely persistent and special, chances are you may find it a struggle to get in, if you think it’s worth it, that is =) But I’m working on being nicer and letting people know me, hence this list ^_^
Hope this gives all of you some insight into who I am….It was a tough task getting to 24, but if I get to a point I can think of more, you will be the first to know! Any questions, comments and criticisms are always welcome. And if you feel like it, you’re more than welcome to tell me about yourselves. I’d love to know who my readers are =)