If I Could Tell You How I Really Feel

If only life wasn’t filled with so many ifs *sigh* If, and only if.

Thought Catalog

Would it be better, if I could tell you how I really feel? If the next time your eyes met mine in the half darkness of a moodily lit bar, their reflection glowing in the whiskey inhabiting the glass between your fingers, I just said, “I want you to be mine”? Would it make me feel better, then, to have you reach your fingers across the table between us, and interlace them with mine while you gave me your response? Would I not shrink and die of the agonising embarrassment that comes with feeling (as if feeling were somehow less natural than breathing or sleeping)?

If I could tell you how I really feel, would you tell me you feel it back? Would it be the Hollywood happy ending that I’ve rehearsed in my mind, every moment since I met you? The rehearsal, so you know, just in case I…

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Second Chance

Note: Another one of my old poems. Yes, that is my handwriting, I used to sign off as ‘Angel’ quite often back in undergrad, especially when the fear of being caught for not paying attention and thrown out of class was instilled in us =) When my mind wandered, I’d write, and so…one day, instead of taking notes, I did this =D

Poem 2

With a little edit (after looking at it after about 4 years, maybe), this is:
Second Chance

They say love is friendship on fire
Doesn’t that imply you could get hurt?
Why would you want to walk a tight wire
Just to possibly end up feeling like dirt?

But then, it’s also a beautiful feeling
It could turn your world around.
Your life becomes one full of meaning
Feelings of joy and happiness abound.

Maybe you might get hurt someday
After all, it is a part of life.
That doesn’t mean you should keep love at bay
You can’t have life without strife.

Yes, it’s true, friendship’s safer and all
But it’s better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all.
These are things in life with no extra cost!

Go ahead, don’t be scared, take a chance
Give your heart the choice to dance!

<3

Day 16 — Dear ex-boyfriends ~ Yes, plural. Deal with it! :P

Dear ex-boyfriends,

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this letter when I saw the title, or even if I should be writing this in the first place. But, I figured I should. If I can’t, it’s only going to hold me back, and that is something I definitely do not want. I chose to put you guys in one letter because it just seemed apt and, also because, it isn’t fair to be only writing to one of you =)

K, you were the first boy I called my ‘boyfriend’. The first one I kissed, the first that took my breath away with said kisses. You taught me what it was to see past the things people hid behind, to discover the real gem of someone’s soul. We had our ups and downs, and though I admit some of it could have been handled with a little bit more dignity, we made it through it all. We didn’t realise the stress we were dealing with all around, and thought it was what came with the territory of being teenagers. Whatever we faced, we faced it strong. And I think our relationship started shaping the person I was to be.
When I look back on what we had, I still smile. Because we had a lot of memories back then. At the end of it all though, we were young, we were naive, and we were, quite possibly, in love. I say ‘quite possibly’ because I feel the idea of love entranced us a lot more back then, and I say this in the nicest way possible. I gave it my all, but my heart was still learning to deal with all the emotions thrown its way.
What makes me happy though, is to see how far you’ve come. How far we’ve both come, in fact. You’ve been there through some milestones in my life. And vice versa. And as I said to you before this year began, I’m thankful we’ve gotten back in touch with each other over the years. Feels good to know we’ve matured enough to be nice to each other. Thank you for being all you have.

E. Oh, what do I say to you? You started out as one of my amazing friends, and then became so much more. What I loved about our relationship was that, the most. The fact that, as friends, we could talk about anything under the sun. And then, as lovers, some more. You encouraged my strengths, which helped you develop yours too. We went through the changes of being 18+ years and in love. And having our hearts broken because of the way things ‘were supposed to be’. And rebuilt, and broken again.
I won’t rehash the past, because so many good things came from our relationship. Amazing friends, great memories, and inexplicable bonds. And in a strange way, if not for you, I don’t think I would have realised I was meant to fall in love with the city I live in. So I’m grateful for that.
What I regret is this past year taking a toll on our once-solid friendship. You said ‘things change, people change’. I tried so hard for that not to be true for us. But somewhere, I think we both sort of took a step back, and another, and another…until we were safely far enough to not be affected. And somewhere, I stopped trying. Not because I didn’t care, but because I was tired of being the one who had to try.
In saying that, I hope things start to look up, for you and maybe, for our friendship. I also hope that whatever it is that life throws your way, you handle well and come out stronger. You’re capable of it, of reaching out to your dreams. You just need to see it. I loved you, and I still hope for the friend I had before all this. I can only hope that friend is still there somewhere, not for my sake, but for the lives you will touch.

You’ve both been there at different points in my life, to teach me different lessons. To help me experience life through your eyes. To let me have people to call mine. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you both, thank you for the memories.

Love,

Me

<3

Changes…

Note: I mentioned discovering some old poems in my last post. Whenever I get the time, I will be publishing one =)

In every person’s life there comes a change
It may be surprising, it may be strange.
Your entry into my life was a welcome one
It was at a time when in my heart I carried a ton.

You helped me ease the pain, to make a start
In pouring out the deepest worries of my heart.
At first to me it didn’t seem right
To make you worry, or feel sorry at my plight.

But you weren’t bothered about what the world would say
You made it your mission to to brighten my day.
Whenever I was about to stumble and fall
You steadied me, helped me stand tall.

We’ve made our special world because of which we
Know each other so well, it surprises me!
Whenever you need me, know I’m not too far away
And I promise you, I’ll try to keep your worries at bay.

Through thick and thin we’ll stick together
You can be sure, I’ll be there forever.
You make me feel special; you’ve lifted my soul.
Even though I don’t tell you everyday
You mean the world to me, more than words can say!

<3

Of memories and other things

My apologies, once again, for being AWOL for a bit. I’ve been busy with the arrival of my best friend from my teen years in Dubai. We’ve never been in the same country, let alone in the same city, for a good 6/7 years of our 11 year friendship. So I didn’t want to cut into my time for her, whatever little we could spend together!

Through the past few days, I have come to realise that I’d forgotten so much of what made me the person I was, and the person I am today. I’ve had nostalgic trips down memory lane, when I found some of my old poems while rummaging through a drawer. They reminded me how much I loved rhyming when I was younger, as silly as my rhymes were. They were the reason I began discovering more about putting my feelings to paper, the reason I decided to explore my connection with writing further. A friend (and, I am happy and proud to say, a follower of my work) has asked me to put them up, and I will – soon enough!

Some not-very-pretty memories have come up in the past few days as well – things that made me realise I never wanted to go back to some points in my life. They were dark, they were depressing, and I wouldn’t wish those times on even my worst enemy, if I had one. But, what mattered was that I’d made it through it all – stronger, happier, and surprisingly, much less scarred than I’d imagined. And of course, I discovered and rediscovered my writing. And for that, I’m thankful for the memories.

<3

 

Having Nothing To Say

To apologise for my recent lack of posting, a post by someone else. This actually explains a large part of why I haven’t posted, perhaps.

An excerpt, “Words are powerful. They have made men and women go to war. We fall in love because of them. We write and orate about amazing experiences and people through our words. We live though our words. Sometimes, we even become our words. But every once in a while, our words fail us or we can’t find them. And that’s okay because sometimes we don’t need words. Sometimes we just need to observe, to think, and to experience. Sometimes you and I have nothing to say. And I think learning to be comfortable with that, ironically, can say a lot about us.”

Thought Catalog

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had really terrible writer’s block. I’ve barely written anything worth publishing and I know that most of what I have written has been lacking. It’s not very often that I can’t think of topics to write about; usually there is always something I want to put forth as a point of discussion. But lately, I just haven’t had much to say. Interestingly, I have been thinking a lot; probably more than usual. I have a habit of thinking too much about everything so when I express that “I’m thinking a lot,” my brain has literally been in overload.

I think in our particular society, we value talking; we value conversation. We associate talking with intelligence, friendliness, attentiveness, and other positive qualities. One of my readings in my Diversity class in my last quarter was about this very subject matter – the association between…

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Day 15 – Dear Mondays

Note: Halfway through the list, and aptly…on the day I write this it’s a Monday =)

Dear Mondays,

As I sat to write this, I realised that I’ve always had mixed feelings about you. And each time, it confused me, the way I felt.

If the build up to your arrival was good, I cursed you for even making an appearance, and hoped you would just leave me alone! I wasn’t happy with what we had going on, and I’m pretty sure I made it evident quite often that you gave me ‘the blues’.

And then, there are those times when all I can do is wait for you to show up. The time till you do is filled with such drudgery, that I don’t think I may even see you. All I want is you, and you do take your sweet time getting to me then, don’t you?

I have realised lately that I’d like to be more accepting about your presence in my life. After all, if not for you, I may not meet those responsible for my boundless joy ever. And even the woes would stay forever, rather than let us start anew. I’d like to feel good about you, even when the build up is amazing. So, this is a start.

I promise to be nicer from now on, Monday. You’re really not that bad, after all. Just kind of misunderstood. And I know how that feels, trust me =)

Love,

Me

<3