It’s not easy, to be…

This isn’t one of my typical letters from the series. It is, quite literally, a musing. One that I’ve been pondering about penning for a while. And then I remembered how well writing works for me as therapy. And suddenly, there was no reason to ponder any more. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard – let your heart wander, just let it flow…Best way to write, I’d say.

So, there’s this boy I like. Yes, as most girls, I have a story that starts like this once in a while. I had a dream one night about telling him how I felt – and this is it, more or less. I have given this story enough of an introduction to let you (those who read this) that this may or may not be something you’d like to read further. Of course, that is a call I shall let you make :)

I don’t know if it’s been obvious to you yet, but I like you. Just like that, I like you – a whole lot! But of course, since you know how bad I am with telling people about my feelings for them, I haven’t been able to tell you. It’s nothing else – it scares me to put myself in that position, to be that vulnerable. I don’t do well with vulnerability, more so than other people. Above all else, it scares me to say anything because I don’t want to lose you as the amazing friend I have in my life. I don’t want you to run; you are too intricate a part of my life to have to give up now. I know I like you, but I wonder if you like me, too? It definitely seems like it, but life has long taught me to never make assumptions.

I have pictured an alternate reality, one where we could go out, on a legitimate date. Talk about things that mattered, things that didn’t; stuff that made us happy, stuff that didn’t. Be more than friends – sneak in a touch here, steal a kiss there. Act on the feelings that seem to exist between us. Simple things, small joys, great happiness. But as I said, that was an alternate reality.

Ever since the day we met, I have connected with you, and vice versa. I have known I liked you for a while now, but the timing never seems right to get out with it. If I made an exception to tell someone I liked them, you would be that exception. But I won’t. Apart from being chicken, it is because I know that we come from two different worlds. Two worlds that run on a sort of parallel, that may probably never intersect. I have things to keep me busy, and my own set of problems to deal with. I also know you have a busy life, and in this time and place, to accommodate me in it as more than “just a friend” may probably be asking for too much? I know I can make you a part of my world, but I fear you may not be sure about giving me too much of a place in yours. Paranoid? Not really. Just being cautious with a heart that’s been broken a couple times too many.

I hope we’re always as close at heart as we are today. I will always be rooting for you in all that you do. Not just because I like you so much, but because I believe in you. I will be sappy and ask for you and your happiness at 11:11. And I will never be more than a heartbeat away from you.

And maybe, someday in the future, if our worlds align, and you have the feelings for me as I know I will for you, we can hope for the magic to happen, where I finally tell you how much I like you, how you make me feel. And then I shall ask you for sure – if you do, too.

<3

Day 12 — Dear me who I wish I could be (Ideal/future me)

Dear Ideal Me,

You are, in all manners, me! You have the same big brown eyes, the dark flowing hair, the mischievous smile – all of it. You love to read, have a wide taste in music, and love the little things. You think hugs are the best therapy (barring ice cream, of course! Because let’s face it, nothing can beat the warm glow you feel with that cold spoon of deliciousness). You are a sappy romantic who tries to hide it and fails miserably :P

Basically, you are me – just a slightly different, and better (possibly?), version of me! Who I may, or may not become someday.

I have stuff that holds me back. That stops me from doing some things because I over-evaluate them. Not that I am always conscientious and ponder consequences before actions, but yes, I do.
You on the other hand, are possibly yolo (ugh, how I hate using that word!) personified. Of the school of thought that you have only one life, you do whatever it is that you want to do and deal with the consequences in time. If you do get into trouble, at least you had fun getting there right? One day, I shall get there. I may never say yolo, but I’ll try to live life that way.

I have always had body image and self-confidence issues. I’ve preferred being in the background, with friends and other people who (I believed) looked better than I did. Not realising it was the way they carried themselves that made the difference, till recently.
You, on the other hand, are self-confident. You are sexy. You are beautiful. You know you have your flaws, but you work with them – not against them. You accept yourself, and change what you can. But you are always the best version of YOU. I will definitely be you, someday!

You are living the life you wanted. On your terms, with no asterisk about conditions applying. You have the swagger to bring entire masses to their knees, and to look gorgeous doing it. You will get to your dreams, because when you know what you want – you will damn well get it.

Here’s to the person I hope to be. Here’s to the person I will be.

Love,

Me

<3

Of apologies and the like.

Yes, I’m sorry. That’s what this post is about. I know that there are a few of you who read my posts and actually wait for the new ones. And it floors me to see that, every time. I  recently crossed 60 likes on my Facebook page, and 750 views on the blog itself. A part of me is stunned, and a greater part is humbled.

There are a tangible few of you who don’t even know me and still read what I have to say, no matter what. Thank you!

To those who do know me and continue to read what I have to say on a regular basis, thank you to you too. You give me a renewed confidence in my writing, with your comments, criticism and feedback. Know that any input is good, and is appreciated!

I will probably have a slew of posts coming your way, and I know some of you are going to say they are long overdue, but I appreciate your patience. Being a uni student with relentless assignments, and an international one – with ties back home – it does get hard to keep the posts going. But yes, at least over the next ten days, I promise to have a whole lot more for you to read!

<3

Day 11 — Dear younger version of me

Note: Of all the younger versions of me, I’ve decided to write to my 16 year old self. It always is a milestone year for most people, and that was no different for me.

Dear you,

You’re 16. And you’re becoming a delightful young woman. You’ve finally gotten over all those demons that have been holding you back since your childhood.

At 16, you’ve seen more than your fair share of turbulence in your life. But then again, even at this tender age, you’ve realised that your problems are not as big as you think. This too, shall pass – that is your new outlook on life. And one you should always hold on to.

People laugh at you when you say you are a romantic at heart. What could a 16 year old possibly know about love? Don’t listen to them. Age has nothing to do with what you feel about life and love. You could be 50 and not know what love really is. You have a wonderful heart, and don’t you ever forget that.

You have someone wonderful in your life right now, apart from your family and friends. He is helping you discover what your first brush with relationships feels like. The dizzy happiness, the troubled days occasionally, you’ll see it all. But there will be a point when, because of circumstances, he will have to leave you and walk away. Know it isn’t your fault. Know that it isn’t the end of the world either. There will be someone who brings as much, if not more, joy into your life in the future. Always remember, the only constant in life is change. You will be fine with just that piece of advice =)

You’ve been fighting with your body image issues since a long time. I don’t blame you, it’s the way the society (and sadly, even your family) talk about the way you ‘should’ look. I’m glad you’re trying to get over those that bring you down. Remember, in times when you’re in a dark abyss that seems never-ending…you are the master of your destiny. If you aren’t happy about something, take the steps you need to, to change it. And if you are, don’t listen to what the others have to say. They’re missing out on probably one of the best people in their lives!

Doing well in your exams one year, and going slightly downhill the next…It’s tough, isn’t it? Don’t fret. You can’t always be a genius (unless you’re Einstein or someone, but even they had their off days!). There are some things you can’t get. There are some things you will understand (in school and in life) as time passes. It’s not your grades that make who you are (especially since you are no longer going to be a vet!), it’s the way you take on the world that matters.

You’re going to have a wonderful journey, a part of which you already know in your heart. Listen to it always. And, hold your head high, smile…and face the day, and your life, the best way you can!

Love,

Me/You =)

<3

Day 10 – Dear stranger

Note: I’ve been good in following the age old advice of ‘don’t talk to strangers’, but yeah. At some point in your life, you’ve got to right? How else would you make more friends? But writing a letter to someone you’ve never met…Hmm, interesting, to say the least!

Dear stranger,

When this said ‘Dear stranger’, I was stumped for a bit. What do you say to a person you don’t know?

The only reason you are a stranger to me is because I haven’t met you yet! I have too many people who can vouch for the fact that I don’t ever really shut up. So, I’m pretty certain once we meet, I’ll chatter away quite happily about anything under the sun!

I want you to know that I will always be there when you need a friend. Whether we talk everyday, or we go months on end without a word, I will be there when you need a listening ear and a comforting shoulder. Also, if you need to be told to grow a pair, I’ll do that too :P

I also want you to know that if I include you in different parts of my life, it’s because I want to. I want you to meet the other wonderful people in my life, and get to know the things that make me happy too. You’re more than welcome to say ‘no, thanks’ and walk away. I won’t hold it against you :)

I just ask for one thing. Just because I’m nice, doesn’t mean you can walk all over me. I have a good heart, but get on the wrong side of it, and you’ll just lose out on a stellar personality in your life. I know that sounds presumptuous, but it isn’t, really! It’s just building off of a belief that I have that if I don’t believe I’m amazing, no one else will.

Here’s to meeting you soon!

Me

<3