Inner Turmoil

That haunting feeling…It’s the worst. When you know you are facing the calm before the storm. And there’s probably nothing you can do about it, than watch the horror unfold.

There are days when I just want to escape…to any place. Anywhere that I can scream my lungs out till every bit of frustration seeps out, drop by drop. Then there are days I want to just curl up in a corner (preferably in bed), cut off from the rest of the world…Just pretend I had no problems. That if I ignored them long enough, they’d go away.

But they don’t. Problems don’t disappear. You either fix them, or they take over your life. Or they pretend to disappear, only to resurface with a vengeance again, at another, more troubling time.

It is a horrid feeling, to have to deal with any of the bad stuff going on. It sucks even more not having someone to talk to about it. I have amazing friends, but then again, the person I am wouldn’t want to tell people of my problems. I’m the one that solves problems, not the one that has them! There are loads of people who feel the same way, I’m sure!

With all my talk of being wary about love, there is one thing I’ve realised. Whether it’s a friend, a lover or just someone who cares, it’s definitely nice to have someone in your life. Someone who is always willing to listen, but willing to have a conversation too. Someone to just give me a big hug and tell me ‘everything’s going to be okay’…Who won’t mind if I bawled like a baby because I knew it wasn’t going to be.

Just someone to be my wall for once, instead of the other way around.


100% Real

I’m generally a happy person. I don’t really try to be, I just am. I like to see the good side of things. Sometimes, when no one else can. There have been times when people have asked me how it’s even possible for me to have such positivity. And I realised, it’s because the world needs it.

No, I don’t mean that in a self-righteous stuck-up way or anything. Far from it. What I’m saying is, everyone has their own shit going on. Some might be going through the worst things ever, things that may be changing their lives. And in the middle of that, the last thing they need is someone dumping their bad day or a mood swing all over them – like, seriously. I’d choose to give them a smiling face to turn to, just so that for some time in their life, things aren’t so bad. That they have an outlet, someone to talk to. Or if they didn’t want to talk about it, just to unwind and laugh with. I think the world could do with every little bit of happiness it can get.

That’s not to say I don’t have my bad days. I do. But I have my outlets. Cooking, reading, music, and of course – writing. And if things are absolutely terrifying, I have people to turn to, to talk to. Knowing that keeps me going, and I just think every person needs that in their life too. And I try to be that person, the go-to person, whenever possible.

So am I putting on an act? Am I going, ‘Oh will you shut up!’ in my head when someone’s talking to me? Am I pretending to be nice so that I can be a bitch later? No. And I never will. I want to help, if you want me too. If you don’t, that’s cool too. I’m just being what I know to be – a nice person, and a friend. And a pretty damn good one at that =)

No pretences. Just 100% Real.


Halos or Horns..what are you hiding?


I believe in angels. Always have, always will. Not the white-robe wearing kind, or the kind that go ‘Hello Charlie’…nope, not even the beautiful ones that walk down the runway to strut their stuff for a certain lingerie brand =P Though I have to say, all the ones I just mentioned are a pretty awesome representation of what angels could be ^_^

Anyways, getting back to the point…what I believe is that every single person has their own band of angels. Whether it’s 2 or 200, it depends on the person really. But if you look close enough, you’ll be able to figure out who yours were. They don’t have to be the ones that do only good things in life, or the pious kinds or any of that. They’re usually the ones that help you get out of a dark place in your existence. When you’re scared, angry, upset, terrified, frustrated…Or just the ones you can talk to when all you need is a comforting hug and someone to listen.

If the number of angels you had depended on the number of people that you called friends, I’d have a huge number! Probably lucky enough to have hundreds! But going by what I believe, I still think I have a handful of them, so I’ve got the good stuff for sure =)

I had a close friend call me an angel one day. A lot of them do that, time to time, but this one said something a little different too. He said it was hard to find people like me in this world; I was apparently too nice for the world we live in…I couldn’t understand where he was coming from, but when a few more people said it in different contexts, I’m beginning to see it.

We live in a world where being nice for the heck of it, doing good because you want to, being a supportive friend to random people…all these things are judged more often than not. Judged from the point where you are nice because you want something, because you have some ulterior motives. Having a giving personality isn’t believable anymore. And personally, I think that’s just sad. Not lame sad, but sad sad. After all, the world could do with a few more nice people. There’s enough shit happening without the added downfall of being judged for being nice.

I like to help. And I will continue to, as long as I can. Haters can judge, for all I care. Maybe some day, people will stop judging the nice people. Hell, maybe they’ll stop judging, period.

Someday. Hopefully in this lifetime. But yeah. Someday.


It’s all about the perfect balance. Or is it?


It's all about the perfect balance. Or is it?

Someday, I will find the yang to my yin. It will take time and patience. It will need inner peace. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be easy. But, when I do, it may just complete. What I don’t know, but it may just.

This doesn’t necessarily mean I’m looking for that perfect relationship. Far from it (more on this another time). But I do believe there is someone out there, probably amongst the very angels I call my friends, who will understand all the things that make me, and all the things that don’t :)